His eyes were like the sea
by LOTRFaith
Summary: Obi Wan at last finds peace... AU from Jedi Apprentice Books
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Own nothing of Star Wars. George Lucas. Any characters here. All used for entertainment purposes only.

Warning: Character Death

AU from Jedi Apprentice Books

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Dark eyelashes lifted revealing haunted eyes, eyes that had seen a lifetime of hurt but whose body had only lived 13 life cycles.

He listened to all the rules they laid upon him. Probation hours, where he was supposed to be at a certain time and a certain place, when he was supposed to check in with a council member, who he was with… Every tiny detail was looked at.

But he made no complaints. He knew he deserved it. He had broken every trust possible with the Jedi. And this… This was his own punishment. It had been his own sin… His own pride… His selfish desire to actually fit in and feel loved that had caused everything…

Even to Cerasi's death. That was his fault too. He may have not shot the blaster that had killed her, but his being there had endangered her all the more.

He wished he could feel something… Anything… But the only thing he felt was numbness… Nothing… A cold, empty shell of his former self.

Pain was something of a shock to him… For he had been numb so long that any physical touch was alien to him. Even a pinprick was something of a relief to him for it meant that he could still feel… No matter how dead he felt inside.

"Do you accept these terms?" Mace Windu asked albeit coldly. He had little use for betrayers or traitors.

The ginger spiked head nodded, the sea colored eyes still refusing to look at any one of them. 'Shame most likely.' Master Jedi Windu thought, stiffening his reserve towards the young figure before him.

"Then you are dismissed to your quarters."

Obi Wan bowed and quietly escaped. Gaining access to his old room he collapsed on the bed. Shielding as tightly as he had been for the past few days was tiring… Not only on his mind but on his body as well.

He carefully untied the sash around his waist and carefully opened his tunic, biting his lip in hopes that the blood had not seeped through again. He had been nearly caught the other time blood had seeped through the thick wad of bandages. And that would have been bad…

Qui Gon had avoided him on the trip back to the Jedi temple as did Obi Wan. But while they tried as hard as possible, there had been a few incidents filled with tension and unease.

One might say it was foolish for the young Jedi apprentice to hide his wounds, but Obi Wan would explain that pity was the last thing he wanted… Or deserved. So he hid, often with his cabin lights shut off and a towel placed under the door to block any light, curled in a corner, his arms wrapped around his knees staring at the door as if someone might burst through it at anytime… But no one did.

So he remained safe… But only during the day… At night it was a different matter completely…

He could not shut his eyes.

Memories flooded back in an instant as soon as his eyelids slipped down into place. Too many memories… Painful memories.

"_Cerasi!"_

Obi Wan woke gasping, dripping with sweat. He looked around wildly making sure no one was around him and once sure of that, he moved into the corner, clenching the blanket tightly in his fists.

"_This is your fault." _He told himself furiously. _"You caused this pain. You did. It's all your fault." _

"_Why are you here?" _A darker, sinister voice entered his mind. _"All you do is cause more pain… You aren't wanted… No one wants you…" _

"_No." _Obi Wan cried out silently. "_Qui Gon…"_

"_Qui Gon?" _The voice laughed. "_The same Qui Gon would refused to even look at you on the return trip? The same Qui Gon who blames you for Tahl's blindness?"_

"_He doesn't blame me." _Obi Wan returned viciously.

"_Doesn't he?" _The voice turned soft… Almost tender… _"You are not wanted here Obi Wan. Your actions will never be forgotten." _

Obi Wan choked back a sob.

"_Come away." _The voice whispered. It's voice was gentle, soothing against his tired mind. _"Come here to a place where you'll never be rejected. You'll always be loved. You'll always be wanted." _

Obi Wan breathed out softly, his mind refusing to believe the words. All he had ever desired…

"_I thought that once." _He whispered silently. _"But it only killed people." _

"_Oh Obi Wan." _The voice was like a tender caress against his skin… A loving touch he yearned for. _"Here it's different." _

"_How?" _Obi Wan questioned.

"Because everyone is like you. The world has rejected them and so they came here… And they are loved."

The voice was deeper now, relaxing his resistance.

"_How do I get there?" _Obi Wan asked his hands unconsciously reaching out.

"_Follow me." _A hand materialized.

Obi Wan hesitated, then accepted the hand.

"_But…" _He looked back.

"_There can be no buts young Kenobi." _The voice said softly, but firmly.

"_Qui Gon…" _Obi Wan whispered.

"_Why love a man who will only love his former apprentice." _The voice cajoled. _"You will forever remind him of what Xanatos did to him." _

Obi Wan shivered.

"Betrayer."

The voice was dark.

"Murderer."

Obi Wan choked, desperately trying not to feel the suddenly onslaught of pain the words brought.

"Traitor."

Tears fell from the dark eyelashes.

"There, there." The voice was soft again. "Do you think the Jedi will ever forgive you? Do you think the Jedi could ever forgive you?"

He could not respond. He simply could not. Tears racked his pain filled body. Everything piled on top of everything… Every word replayed… Every emotion brought back to life…

"No." He choked out, desperately trying to breathe. He flung the covers off of him and scrambled towards the door. Slamming the open key he raced outside, his tunic left on the bed in his desperate attempt to throw off the covers.

He sped past several Jedi who all cried out his name, but he heard none of them. His blood made an eerie trail down the spotless white halls, but Obi Wan didn't even know he was bleeding.

He literally flew into the garden and fell to his knees… Sucking in great gasps of air. Here the air was fresh… Clean... Pure… Untainted…

Slowly regaining his breath, he fell his knees tucked under him and his hands burying his face… And then…

He simply cried.

Releasing every emotion… Every thought…

He became aware of people around him.

A hand on his back.

Rubbing… Giving comfort…

"Is he alright?" "Will he be ok?" "What happened?" "Shhh."

The voices mingled inside his tired brain. He knew each one, but he could not identify any single one.

"I'm sorry." His lips moved, but no sound came out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The words were a silent mantra, repeating over and over and over.

"Give him room you will." Yoda's no nonsense voice broke through. "Your rooms you will return to until we notify you."

Obi Wan's breath slowed as he quietly regained control of his emotions. His head was spinning, his mouth was dry and he felt as if someone hit him in the stomach with a boulder.

"Come away Obi Wan." The voice whispered seductively. "There is no pain here."

"I cannot." Obi cried out miserably. "I cannot."

"Coward." The voice changed.

Obi Wan sobbed for breath. "Please." He begged. "Leave me alone."

"No." The voice was like ice. "You do not deserve to be here in the Jedi temple. You betrayed them."

"Coward."

"Traitor."

"Murderer."

"Murderer."

He threw up mind shields against the voice, but nothing worked… Even the strongest shield proved weak against that tormenting voice.

"Please…" Obi Wan choked. "Help me."

Arms gathered him up, his head falling easily on the strong shoulder. His tears soaked the course brown fabric as his sobs racked his body.

He was so tired of everything. He was so tempted to just let it all fade away into nothingness. He desperately needed sleep but the nightmares were too much for him to handle alone.

Alone.

The word clawed at his fragile heart threatening to tear it even further apart. He shivered unconsciously. His body was slowly started to go into shock. The loss of blood and pure mental agony of the past few weeks were suddenly rushing upon him.

His heart seemed to trip over itself, missing a beat. Obi Wan winced, the pain in the left side of his chest aching just a little more than usual.

"Obi Wan?" Qui Gon's worried voice called his attention, but Obi Wan found himself too lax to even respond.

He felt himself being gathered up, cradled in the strong arms. Arms that he had wished for on lonely nights, but always found himself without of them. His head lolled to the side as the sides of his vision started to go gray.

Here is where he wanted to be, safe within the arms of his master, loved, protected, needed.

And here he would stay.

Forever in a thought.

A single tear rolled down his cheek, but he was far away by the time it hit the ground. He didn't hear the cries around him. Qui Gon's anguished, choking cry for forgiveness.

He was at peace. Safe within warm arms, loved, protected and needed. That voice could no longer whisper to him, because he was safe now. He didn't need to hide against that seductive voice, whispering to him of false promises… He was safe. He was protected. He was loved. He was needed.

He was safe.

The End


	2. His eyes were like the sea II

Disclaimer: Own nothing of Star Wars. George Lucas. Any characters here. All used for entertainment purposes only.

Warning: Character Death

AU from Jedi Apprentice Books

Since Phoenix Red Lion asked :-)

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His body was laid carefully on the pyre. There were many there, gathered to remember Obi Wan Kenobi. Many were openly crying, tears of pain, tears of not being able to understand, tears of guilt for leaving Obi Wan alone to his grief.

"I should have been there." Bant cried into her master's shoulder. She bore the guilt heavily. She had been Obi's best friend since their crèche days. She had always been there for him, but not this time. This time she had been away on a mission. She hadn't even known that Obi had come back. But still the guilt was there.

Qui Gon stood alone, his cloak drawn to hide his face. He had aged years since Obi had died in his arms only two days ago.

The coroner had pronounced that the cause for Obi Wan's death was blood loss that settled into deep shock that caused his heart to fail. He had died a relatively painless death.

Yoda stood with the rest of the council. There was a deep sadness in his eyes and his droopy ears told the entire grieving mass of his own agony over the young Jedi's death.

Mace stood looking formidable against his own guilt. But it was a battle that he had already lost. Too well did he remember his harshness against the boy. He had been too quick to judge. In his haste to condemn Obi Wan, he had not seen past the now obvious pain that Obi Wan had not been able to hide behind those damned shields. He blamed Qui Gon for leaving the boy on that damned planet because Qui Gon's focus had mainly been on Tahl. But most of all… He blamed himself for not seeing.

Because Qui Gon was still considered Obi Wan's master, it was up to Qui Gon to take the torch and…

Qui Gon took a shallow breath, the tears burning his eyes before falling. He was a failure. He had failed so miserably with Xanatos and he had repeated every mistake with Obi Wan. Xanatos had died. Obi Wan had died. The blood was a heavy burden to bear. If he closed his eyes he could see Xanatos laugh as he expertly turned a trick upon one of his friends. He could also see Obi Wan's shy smile as he eagerly looked for praise. Not foolish praise that would raise Obi Wan's ego, but rather filling praise that would let Obi Wan know that someone cared about him. Someone loved him.

Qui Gon choked. Love. It was something he had denied to both Xanatos and Obi Wan.

And now… Here he was again, before the dead body of another apprentice.

His knees suddenly gave out. Burying his face in his hands he wept unashamedly. Grieving for the loss of Xanatos and of Obi Wan.

Lightening flashed against the gray sky. A few drops of rain fell, splattering against the cold stone and warm bodies. More raindrops fell coming quicker and quicker until they were in a torrential downpour.

Looking up, Qui Gon noticed that Obi Wan seemed to sigh. The rain trickled down his face making it look like tears.

Staggering to his feet, Qui Gon gently pressed his hand against Obi Wan's face. "You never disappointed me." He said quietly. "You never were a failure. You didn't betray anyone. You were never a coward. You were never a traitor. You're not a murderer."

He turned his face away, trying to regain his composure. "You are loved." He took a deep breath. "So much."

He brushed a thumb along Obi Wan's brow. "And you will be missed."

He studied the young face. Remembering everything. Then forcing himself to let go, he took the torch and lit the pyre.

He stepped back as the flames raced around the pyre despite the rain.

He stayed there until there was nothing left.

Nothing… But the rain…

The End


End file.
